Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
