it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
