My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize