You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize