I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
