So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
