First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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