If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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