I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Boobs speak an international language.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
