2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
