I'm going to jail i love you
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
