im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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