a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
