The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
