How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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