I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
