i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
