I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
