So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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