Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
