It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
love makes seman taste better
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
