I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
