the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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