proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
