i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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