I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
