I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize