I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize