You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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