he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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