I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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