Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
