I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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