I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
