I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
