thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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