After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
