Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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