Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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