he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize