is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
