the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
