I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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