my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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