I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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