its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize