I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
