Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
