you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
