i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
