if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
