we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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