we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize