HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
