Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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