So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
