i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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