The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
