I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
