Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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